Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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