I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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