I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
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We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
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I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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