Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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