apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
