You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
