Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
