That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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