I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
