Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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