the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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