went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
