Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
