she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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