You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
