I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
