So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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