What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
