the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
