I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
