watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
