lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
