So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
