i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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