so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can text with my tongue
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
