Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
