The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
