I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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