I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
