omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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