So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
