Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
