I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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