so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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