just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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