I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
