If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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