my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
