I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
