after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
