So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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