Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
