just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
