That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
