my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
