I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
