bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
