his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize