What did we do last night that was yellow?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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