Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
try to milk me bitch
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