I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
