So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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